For the last couple months I have been pulling back from blogging because I wanted to be honest but felt I couldn’t be.
My heart-wrenching confession…
For those of you who follow this blog you know that the former love of my life ended up having a stroke at the end of July. As you continued to read, I struggled with the decision that was the only obvious one to make… to say farewell to that part of my life… to the relationship that had taught me lesson after lesson about what a relationship should look like, how I deserved to be treated and what unconditional love looked like.
You were also brought up-to-date about someone who had asked me out and I shared my deep-in-faith response to that… the feeling that everything was happening for a reason. The stroke which separated me from a 17-year beautiful relationship as well as the man who was standing on the other side waiting patiently to get to know me.
What I have avoided blogging about is the complete harassment that followed my discussions with my former love to say that there was no other option for me but to move on with my life. He was fine for a while until I told him I had been asked on a date. He pushed me to follow-up and go and then all hell broke loose. Since that time he has been skewing timelines, making up stories and making me feel guilty for “what I did to him” that was horrible and has left him experiencing loneliness and trying to get through it all by himself. I told him that I went through it alone… of course between you and I, well, I was lucky enough to have someone who was helping me pick up the pieces. Who was giving me a goal.
Five weeks ago we reached an impasse and it was his suggestion that we no longer communicate. I agreed because I was feeling horrible… and that’s an understatement. I wasn’t sleeping and I was miserable and I finally told the new man in my life. A day later my former reached out and said he couldn’t deal with me not in his life at all and that he would behave himself. He then got on a train and left for two weeks. Two weeks of mostly solitude… an odd email here and there from his trip and I was relaxed.
He came back and picked up communications but it was better. My life was improving with my new man. We were spending quality time together, we were talking, laughing and it was wonderful.
I wanted to share all this new joy in my life with my readers but I still do have this poisonous worm that periodically goes off the rails. I realized the other day that I think the stroke has brought on dementia which, from my perspective, makes sense as far as the made-up stories, the obsession and, most of all, the intense mood swings from one note to the next.
As you also know, I’m starting a new part-time job, actually this week! My spare time is limited as I have been preparing for Christmas and that’s not good enough to my former love who wants to see me and thinks I don’t want to go. Little does he realize that if a brief visit is going to be in the same tone as our phone conversations and emails then, I’m sorry, but I really don’t need that.
I’m not putting myself back into that negative frame of mind again.
I have moved on with my life. My mom knows I’m in a relationship with someone and I am HAPPY. I am spending time with someone who enjoys spending time with me. We were having fun and, though we still are, we are content. We are happy and enjoy each others’ company. It has been almost magical walking into his house and seeing his face light up as I walk into the room… especially when I have my overnight bag with me.
I don’t know why it was so easy for me to transition but I am thankful every day for God bringing this man into my life. As I have said in a previous post, I realize that he may be older than me, he may have silver hair and some people may not approve but I don’t care. He makes me happy. He doesn’t hurt me. He wants to be with me. He makes me laugh and we have a great deal in common. Of course there are differences but that’s to be expected.
Above all, I’m falling in love with him as we speed towards the Christmas season at the speed of light! Last week he brushed my hand with his to get my attention and he whispered that we are going to have a really great Christmas together.
I haven’t actually had a Christmas with someone in this way in more than 17 years and I don’t know what to expect anymore. Other than being myself, I don’t know what to do!
So now you know where I’ve gone and why. I think I’m going to pick up my daily blogging again starting December 1. I’m going to leave my blog disconnected from my Facebook Author Page for a little while so that I can continue to be honest with you, my readers, about how things are going.
It’s been incredibly difficult to have this glorious, budding romance happening to a romance author and I can’t share it! Not anymore, I’m going to continue to tell our story to you all and I’m going to keep you up-to-date on how the holidays are transpiring and people’s reactions whenever I get that far!
It’s a time of my life that I’m supposed to be shining not shying away and hiding in a corner. I feel like I’m glowing inside and it’s time for that glow to shine outward.