agitated, agitation, angry, annoyed, communication, Creative Writing, emotional, frustrating, frustrations, Haven of Secrets, new novel, proof copy, publishers, publishing, teaching, understanding, Writing
and frustrated and have become more agitated as the day has gone on.
Seven weeks ago I wrote that first post about someone I love either fighting for his life or having left me and this world. The emotions I felt that day consumed me. The reality of it slowly sunk in and the emotions transfigured themselves into knowing deep inside that it was time. Time for change… for me and for us.
This morning I was questioned about my communications with a further lack of understanding as far as emotions go. There is a huge difference between where his emotions currently sit and my own. As I said yesterday, I get it. I do understand but it’s frustrating when the other party doesn’t understand because he won’t as opposed to he can’t. I think the most frustrating part of this morning is repetition of feelings and my wanting to scream where do you expect things to go from here?
That is why I have to move on! Decisions were made a long time ago. There is no time-traveling deLorean that can take us back in time. There is nothing that is going to make us wake up together in the same bed with many years of different memories. It’s impossible. We have no other choice but to accept the hand we have been dealt and carry on from that point.
It’s the lack of understanding. There seems to be a disconnect between reality and desire. We can always desire but reality rears its ugly head.
Maybe that’s why I write fiction most of the time. Because I can create my own reality. I can create a world where I do have control over the characters, the setting, everything! I can determine who lives, who dies, who falls in love, who has a baby, who gets married. I can make the call on emotions and how those are managed. In real life, we can’t do that… in real life we can’t make it up as we go along!
I wish there was some way, any way, to express how I feel and to get some understanding. Other than understanding that I need to move on, he’s stuck on the how he’s going to manage that which seems to have hit the pause button on the conversation… again. It’s been seven weeks. Other than tough love and walking away I don’t know what else to do… I’m not the type of person to do that… I never have been. I try to be understanding and caring and respectful. Maybe my heart is just too big!
I am teaching tonight so I do need to bring this to a close and start the process of getting ready for supper and getting the place ready for bedtime so that it’s all set when I get home later.
I do have something exciting to share today though… IT’s HERE! My proof copy arrived today! Want a peek? I realize that the publisher is now looking at it and I figure that there’s nothing wrong with my proceeding from this side for now because if they choose not to publish then I just need to push a button and it all goes live! IF they choose to publish then I just don’t complete the process… I remove it from my Projects List. Anyway, there are a few minor interior changes that need to be made but I can’t believe how close I actually got on the reds… have a look for yourself…