That’s the title for tomorrow!
As I go through my day today, the last with crazy cells in my body, I keep picturing tomorrow as the finish line. That dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to patients for the last time before my day was done that it really is a finish line of sorts. I have spent just shy of a year wondering, worrying, going from procedure to consult with, seemingly, no answers. “Just one more procedure”.
Of course I lost my grandmother and my boss of 11 years in the first six months of that year and I can’t say whether that made a difference to this or not but here I am.
Tomorrow by this time, if everything goes on time and I respond the way I should, I should be settled in my room. I will have a fresh 12″ incision in my lower abdomen but the there will be no further threat from those bad cells.
And then I will pause in order to recover. I will rest, I will read, I will write and address Christmas cards. I will have others do all the things that need doing… laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc… and I will heal and I will get stronger. Then I will move onto the starting gate… the start of, well, I don’t know.
I have to try to negotiate that. Stress, anxiety, worrying and not-great test results have become all I know. Where do I go from here? I don’t know. What do I want to do? I want to get back to my writing. I want to feel that pleasure of putting words on the page and planning story arcs and creating characters and letting them live in my mind and tell the story while I become the mode of telling that story. Just writing about that doesn’t even bring me much pleasure right now. There’s a twinge.
Perhaps this will be the time for starting that job search all over again.
Well, no matter what the New Year brings, I hope that it is positive and filled with magic and wonder… exactly what this year has not had!
I will post an update as soon as I feel up to it.