The “Eve”

For weeks I have been able to “delude” myself in a way.  I knew my results but my consult appointment was a ways off… now, it’s here.  It’s this Thursday.

This is one of those appointments that will tell me what comes next.  Not only what comes next but when.  I need to know what kind of time off I’m going to need and what the restrictions are.  It’s not that either of my jobs are extremely stressful or “heavy” but I do intend on taking the recommended time because I never do!

But I have noticed how much I’ve been dreading this because my stress levels are rising, I have been sleeping less, my back has been even more sore (if that’s even possible) and I can’t seem to write much which is why I haven’t been here!

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it either.  I have read The Writer and I have done some personal writing but the “What’s next?” question sits at the forefront of my mind.

I have tried to distract myself the last couple of weeks with movies and reading but it doesn’t matter!

I even had the thought of my main character going through something similar, which I have mentioned before, but even writing that scene seems to be impossible at the moment.

So I’m just kind of floating out there right now feeling like I’m lost.  I think this really is the first very true bout of block I’ve ever had.

I will leave it at that… I’d ask for you to wish me luck on Thursday but I will save that for the surgery/procedure date!

 

A Long Weekend…

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and I can’t find a single thing to write.

It’s been a tough few weeks with the pathology & MRI results coming in and not being the best.  I go over it my head and I have so many questions.  I think I have more questions than answers and I don’t like it!

And it’s, once again, a case where it’s blocked my ability to write.  I am even struggling with this post.

How do I change my thinking so I can focus on some writing because I most certainly need the distraction!

How many posts have I put up about pushing through?  I TEACH writer’s block!  ARGH!

This last week had a few ups… on Monday I was asked by the college if I would teach Transcription on Thursdays.  I said yes and the form was sent to me and I signed it back.  Then on Tuesday I got another email asking if I would be willing to take on another class… on Tuesdays for the next level of what I’m teaching now!  It runs from May 16 to August 24.  I guess I’m at home all summer!

I’m going to be pushing it for sure teaching two 12-hour days those days.  Thankfully my day off is in the middle.  The great thing (or it should be) is that I will be taking vacation time in there so it won’t be a constant push for 14 weeks.

The only thing I’m worried about is my next procedure/surgery and the date it will fall on and the restrictions.  Missing teaching is not ideal.  I have the ability to move a class or two but I’d prefer not to.

So much is happening in my life that are at both ends of the spectrum.  I feel like I’m on the worlds largest/tallest roller coaster.  One minute I’m at the tip top and the next second I’m under the ground searching for the light.

Do you ever reach the point when there has been so much change that you just want to forget all of it?  You just feel like if there’s one more little thing it might just cause you to make that left turn into the path of an oncoming transport truck? That you want to tell everyone where to go because you really just want to be left alone with all those racing thoughts wondering about next steps and how many decisions you have to make and will you make the right ones?

That’s pretty much me at this point.  I don’t want to be alone but I have been anyway. Besides, finding people who are willing to just take me in my current state and listen to my feelings, has been a tough undertaking!

So I’m a mess!  But hey!  I managed a blog post after all!  That’s probably one of the keys to breaking down that writer’s block!

Warning… May contain BAD news!

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We always get those warnings ahead, and during, just about everything we watch on TV now. Now it’s my turn and I don’t even get the chance to put a warning like that on one of my books first!

As you all know, I had to have a procedure done almost three weeks ago.  Last weekend was pretty stressful for me as I knew the results would be arriving one day during the week.  I also went for an MRI of my back to see what was going on in there since I’ve been noticing more than subtle changes.

So Monday morning my Pathology Report arrived…

Well, I will definitely have to have an additional procedure done… it showed cells that were a level away from cancerous.  I don’t see the specialist again until March 9 at which time I will discuss with him the next steps.

Then my MRI results arrived on Tuesday showing that there has been extensive changes at L5-6.  There’s nothing that anyone will do because there is no impact on my spinal canal.

So it was an incredibly depressing week for me.  Everyone was quick to say how great it was that my cells weren’t cancer.  I’m an RN… I know the facts!  I can’t help how I feel.  I already spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day in pain.  I now have to endure more to have the cells removed.   Plus I’m in for even more pain from my back.

This isn’t FAIR!!!  I am unable to look in the mirror right now and tell myself how lucky I am.  I feel overwhelmed and anxious and down in the dumps.  Maybe it’s just me.  Plus, I have been thinking about all the things that I might never get to do because of it.

I keep thinking that I should be writing!  I should be starting a new book not just making notes about the possibility.  I think part of my agitation stems from not writing which is fuelled by my current health status.

I had wondered about using this in one of my storylines somewhere down the road.  I just can’t seem to focus on anything.  But perhaps, at some point, I can look back and grab hold of the emotions again to use it.  Or, maybe when it’s all over, I will just want to put it on a shelf and not have to look back on it.

One of the great joys of being the author… I can use what I want and dispose of the rest. Somebody gets off easy

Why can’t life be like that?

Now I wait…

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For more than ten years, as many of you know, I have been a nurse in family practice.  For all that time I have continually told patients who call in that Pathology Reports take two weeks.  A bit more because of courier time.  Now I’m in that position of being the one who has to wait and it’s not nice!  Don’t misunderstand, I have always understood the patient desire to get the results (mind you the majority of those results should be coming from the specialists not us, but that is the world of family practice!) but now I understand even more.

What does it show?  What does it mean?  Is there going to be another procedure or surgery involved?

I became a nurse to look after other people and family practice is all about prevention.  Not this!  I try to keep reminding myself that there are preventative care plans in place to catch things early on but there is still time in between.  I’ve come to realize that sometimes we send people for additional testing because of the results of the initial screening and the majority of that comes back negative.  But now I am the patient and I question everything because my “belief” system has been shaken up.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about writing, although what happens to me along my Writing Path has a profound impact on my writing!

I finished my book last night.  The idea I started to share on Tuesday is still with me but the book ended a bit disappointing… never found out what really happened with the twin!  It definitely had some twists to it but I expected to meet the other twin as well.  Oh well, that doesn’t really impact the thoughts I was having for a new book anyway.  It’s still all forming in my mind and too early to try and start it.  It has to rumble around in there for a while before it’s ready.  I guess I better find a notebook though…

It’s Over…

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and I’m just resting up at home.  Sure I could have pushed the envelope and gone to work for a bit but I never take the time I should.  So many times in the past I have been told to “take the time I need” but I don’t.  I go into work.  Eight years ago when my grandmother died, I went to work.  I didn’t even have time to get groceries because of the time spent at the funeral home.

So here I am… taking some time and just resting.  It has been a pretty crazy week between starting to teach (again) and this procedure… let’s just call it what it is… a biopsy.

I have had my migraine which is standard after the extreme stress of it all and I’m thankful for the medication available to take it away.  I’m keeping up with fluids as well.

I tried to have a nap but despite feeling as tired as I do it was, as usual, impossible.  I have never been one to nap.  I went to bed, I closed the blinds but sleep just wouldn’t come.  At least I rested if nothing else.  I am cozy, I am comfy and I am doing what I want for a change.

Oh, and Sunday afternoon, I made some notes on a possible new book idea… The House on the Hill.  I’m pretty sure I have mentioned that before but I have decided that it’s not going to be a Mysteries of the Past sequel because I’m looking at writing it as a paranormal with a haunting.  The book I’m reading right now is starting to plant some seeds so I will keep you posted as I work through them.  It’s giving me a great idea!

Maybe I’ll even fictionalize what i just went through because, well, why not?

Lessons in…

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Life?
Love?
Politics?

We move through the days and weeks, the months and the years and we learn lessons that we aren’t always conscious of.

It’s amazing how certain things help you to put issues into perspective.

This past Wednesday I taught my first class.  Despite being nervous as hell, I pulled it off.  I have a good group of eager students and it felt great to be back in the classroom again after all these years in this capacity.  Sure, there have been plenty of bumps along the way… that always happens.

Now I face the unknown before I’m back in the classroom.  Less than two months ago I went to the doctor for routine stuff and Tuesday morning I have to have a procedure that will likely consist of a biopsy.  So please at least cross your fingers for me.  As a nurse in family practice I have referred dozens for this and more than 90% come back okay.  My mind keeps straying from one outcome to the opposite outcome completely because, as an author, there is always the what-if?

It’s always there.  Once that is done, I will head back into the classroom and hopefully have just as strong a performance.

That’s life for you!

As for politics… well, we had a lesson this week and each will take our own thoughts to our graves!

Lastly, love… well, it is what it is.  I will continue to write, when I can get back to it, and there will always be romance!  It is what gets us through our days and those moments when we need the most support.

I have been in an incredible amount of pain since Wednesday.  I hope that it’s not a side effect of teaching but a result of the stress that I have been carrying around.  Between the teaching and  the procedure, I could probably be a string on a violin or guitar!  I go to the chiropractor on Wednesday morning so hopefully he will be able to resolve some of my issues because the main stresses will then be gone and it will be a waiting game for the pathology report.

So, fingers crossed.  I have to pack up and go now but wanted to get a post put up quickly before I leave.

 

Officially Sick!

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It has been another two weeks since I’ve written.  I’ve fallen off the schedule.  The new job has thrown me off kilter!

For the last two weeks, at least, I have been struggling through the school’s delivery program as everything is electronic.  First I had the wrong shell.  I only got the new shell on Wednesday evening.  I have also ended up having two 12-hour days this week as I was attending professional development workshops.  I was supposed to attend a third this afternoon but my back is soooooo sore (most of you know the history there so I won’t go into it) I just can’t fathom sitting there another three hours when all that will do is make it that much worse.  The staff is great and don’t care if I stand but that wasn’t working so well on Tuesday and Thursday… obviously!

To add insult to injury, I ended up catching a cold!  The last few days I have had a stuffy and runny nose.  I woke this morning to that feeling of ‘my head is going to explode’!!  So, I am officially sick.  Another, and probably better, reason to not go this afternoon.  That’s okay, I have a year to get four of them in.  I think I can manage two in the next eleven months.

As for my writing, well, you know that I published Confessions on New Year’s Day.  That’s the last I have done.  I do want to get it up on Amazon but that will take a bit more time.

I had one of my past campers send me a manuscript to read through.  I did manage to get through about 10 pages of the 79 she sent!!  It’s a long story.  Her concern is there is no plot.

As we know, every story has a plot or it couldn’t be told.  It doesn’t necessarily  mean the plot is thick and multi-faceted though.  It could be very thin with very little happening outside the plot.  We all have those in our closet.  Most likely, my first few books are written that way.  There’s not much to put into love stories though I have tried my best to put some small occurrence in that leaves everyone shocked.

A plot can’t work without characters but characters can’t work without a plot.  Another great way to look at it is to look at your own life and all the bumps along the way.  What is the plot of your life?  We never know the ending.  Do we want to know the ending?  And don’t forget that among the main plot line are all kinds of little subplots.  Maybe it’s  drama from parents or siblings and maybe it’s drama at work.  All those little things have a profound effect on the main plot of our lives.  Eventually they will all get wrapped up in a neat little bow.  It will just take time.

So I will finish off what I need to do for my classes and spend a bit of time checking out this plotless story and see what I can come up with… I bet it does have a plot!

Happy New Year, 2017

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I hope this morning finds all of you well and not too hungover!

We have jumped into a New Year, a second later I believe it was… I didn’t read the article, I just saw the headline!

As you know, I have been working overtime on Confessions in the Mural to get it ready to publish.  Well, I did it!  I got all my Chapter spacing done and have uploaded it to Lulu!  Here’s the link to have a look…

confessions_cover
I will get the Kindle version done probably in the next week but I do have to focus on trying to get class planning done as teaching starts on the 18th!  Now I’m getting nervous!
I hope you all have a great New Year’s Day, don’t eat too much, I will be!

Onward to a New Year

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I thought of writing on Christmas but, as per usual, it ended up a pretty screwed up day.

With the close of a year, it’s sometimes a good idea to reflect on the last year.  What have we accomplished?  What passed and what failed?

For me I worked on Confessions in the Mural and I have successfully finished it!  All I have left to do now is go through the publishing process.  I hope to do more of that tomorrow and then get it done on Sunday… a brand new novel for a brand new year.

I think what sticks out in my mind was my attempt to write daily blogs for 30 days that extended to 60 days.  That was quite an accomplishment for me… just the undertaking itself.

Closer to the end of the year I accepted a part-time teaching position with Conestoga College.  Of course I also signed up as a Wellness Advocate for doTerra Essential Oils and though I might mention a few things here or there I won’t inundate this blog with that.  I have created another blog for that journey.

Of course there was the down side… our horse being so sick we almost lost her twice in four days.

The New Year will bring challenges as well as I received some unsettling news after being to the doctor.  Time will tell.  My emotions are up and down with that.

So, to each of you, I wish you a very Happy New Year!  All the best in 2017!

I will post the publishing information as soon as I successfully get the book published!

Final Draft

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It’s been a busy couple of weeks.  I sat, again, last week to write a post and a) couldn’t come up with anything and, b) Ran out of time.

Last weekend I was in the midst of preparing for a job interview that I had on Wednesday.  It was an interview as well as a mini-teach.  I was really nervous but once I got going it was just like I’d never left the front of the classroom!

On Thursday, at the end of the day, 4:56 to be exact, I got the job offer.  I am now part-time instructor (associate faculty) in the Continuing Education business department for the Medical Office Practices program at Conestoga College!  It has all happened so fast but I’m thrilled!  It’s a little overwhelming too, I have to admit, to be teaching again but mostly I feel excited!!

As for Confessions in the Mural, well, it’s done.  I entered the last of my edits yesterday and just finished printing it off and putting it into the binder.  I will go through and review it looking for spelling and grammar mistakes and checking on punctuation.  There were two sections I added in that have not been edited at all so I will also make sure I get all that covered.

This amongst all the Christmas preparations… finishing shopping, wrapping and getting all the cards finished.  I am finding I am extra emotional this Christmas because of our experience with the horse.  I haven’t been as motivated to tend to the gift thing because all I wanted for Christmas is now hanging with her friends in a field at the barn!  It has given me that perspective on Christmas that I never fully understood.  The miracle that prayer and love can bring.

So, since Christmas Day is on Sunday, I will very likely not get a post in next week.  Maybe I still will, I don’t know.

But I extend the all the magic of the Christmas Season to you!