Tags
Creative Writing, decisions, job offer, message, tough decisions, what to do?, what we want, what-if?, Writing, writing/not writing
I am supposed to be on vacation! Bottom line! V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. That means I should be resting, renewing, relaxing and I’m wound up tighter than a spool of thread (or to quote one of my all-time favourite movies “tighter than my aunt Gladys’s butt” as stated by Richard Dreyfuss in My Life in Ruins)!
Why?
Well as I have made it well known, work is not easy. I can’t give away the entire story but there are the cultural “servant girl” issues as well as all the mistakes and incompetencies that I keep correcting. As an RN I’m definitely pushing the boundaries of my scope of practice!
So I have been looking, looking for just about anything to make an exit. I got a job offer yesterday… retail, 32 hours a week at minimum wage. I wasn’t expecting it, I was expecting a second interview request… a chance to ask more questions and then say “can I think about it?” at the end.
So since yesterday I have been freaking out. I simply do NOT know what to do. As I continue to think about it and do the math, I see everything I have worked for up to this point simply dwindling away.
I have been looking for work for almost 16 months and my mental health is starting to be impacted by this clown. BUT… the bottom line, is just that… the bottom line.
For years I lived paycheque to paycheque and, I’ll admit, ended up taking cash advances off of credit cards in order to get through a month only to pay the credit card and do it all just before the interest was packed back onto the card the following month. I can’t go back there. Having my teaching as extra funds has created a small savings cushion for me. Not as much as I would like and I do end up dipping into it at the end of each month but a cushion nonetheless.
I don’t think, with good conscience, no matter the impact of the stress, that going back to living that way is a good idea. I think it would take its own toll on me and be far worse. I have tried to compare it to having to take stress leave and ending up on 55% of my salary which would require me to basically give up my college pay but I think the unknown plays a big part in all of this. I can plan all I want for this to be short-term… before the savings run out… but there are no guarantees. I could end up there for a year and have to move back in with my parents!
Last night was a horrible night already worrying about the money… the lack of income. I reminded myself that with my teaching pay this fall the one thing I do need to do still is get the kitten neutered something I have continued to put off in order to create a bit of a financial cushion.
I think I need to hold out for something that will be an improvement to the bottom line. I know from church that it is wrong to worship money and from my Life Coaching course that money, though we should not worship it, IS a necessity in life and being comfortable with what we have, living within our means, leads to fulfillment.
I think the message to myself in all this is that I am going to have no other choice but to tell this poor manager who has been looking for floral help for a year that I just can’t do this right now. That it’s just not feasible for me.
I will have to work harder at finding something else. When I go back to work after my vacation the boss is supposed to be going away for three weeks… and then I’m off for another week… I think I can hold on for that long and, maybe, just maybe, something better will come along!
How does any of this relate to writing you ask? Because whether you have read this far or not, writing this, put my feelings into words on the page, has calmed me. It has provided me with more calm than I had all night. It worked me through an issue and I think I have not only a valid reason to not take this job (that I would have killed though) but made me realize a number of things.