So as you are all fully aware now, I have a carcinoma in situ which means it sits in its own little bubble. Next Wednesday, by this time, it will be gone!
It doesn’t mean that I am not on an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a tough day for me… I felt very down. Yesterday was so-so. Sometimes I’m down, sometimes I’m angry. I am going to go through the stages of grief, or at least some of them… it’s normal.
Plus I’m scared of next week’s procedure. I’m probably more scared of what will follow after… how much pain will I experience? How fatigued will I be? That question stems partly from what will be my own adrenaline rush and following crash PLUS that of the epinephrine (adrenaline) that will be in the anesthetic.
But everyone thinks I should be just fine about it. Nobody thinks I should be experiencing any emotions other than joy!
Cancer has landed on me… SPLAT! Yes, I get to have a procedure that will make it go away (as long as he gets it all) and that will be the end of it! YAY! I agree, I’m one of the extreme lucky ones. But I will always have that shadow. I will always have to check that extra box on a health history form. There is a 20% chance of recurrence. As an RN, I have seen the big picture more times than I want to.
So I have to say that I feel I’m handling this the best way possible. Other than my fear of next week and the procedure itself, I do feel lucky. We’re going to get this little monster and make it go away. Period.
But am I not permitted to feel apprehension, sadness, anger and some bitterness too? According to most of those closest to me… No, I’m not.
The feelings will start to fade once I know the margins are clear which means we got it all. But there will always be that small part of me that always wonder if there’s something lurking in the shadows. I haven’t talked to a survivor yet who doesn’t think about that.
There is faith and hope… it’s all we can have.