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I sit back and look at life; life in general and right now, I feel some pretty major emotional turmoil.

Every year, usually later in the year, I tend to feel this way and it’s hard to describe entirely and I don’t know quite what it’s related to.  It’s fall, yes, but we are heading into Advent and Christmas and, probably most connected… a New Year.  I think we all, whether consciously or not, want to reach forth into that New Year and make it great.  Or at least greater than what we have.  Maybe those aren’t the right words but we evaluate at this time of the year.  We look back on the past eleven months at what we did or didn’t accomplish and we want more!

Humans always want more but by more I don’t necessarily mean more possessions but we want to try and settle our inner upset.  So maybe we don’t want more but we want better!

My turmoil comes from much.  My boss still not sharing his retirement plans, not having enough time to do this… write and not making much money off my writing.  A few weeks ago I posted about what I might feel if I threw in the towel… gave up the writing thing altogether.  Sat like a lump in front of the TV or settled in with a book.  I don’t think I’d be too happy… would you?

No… so I took on the challenge of NaNoWriMo again and Friday I finally figured out where I was going to go with it!  I finally figured out that seed that will set the book in motion.  It felt awesome to sit (in the car unfortunately) and try to write as fast as my brain was putting the thoughts out there! It’s an incredible feeling but then, seeing as I was trapped in the car, I could do nothing with it! My laptop was cozy at home!

There are always many emotions at play.  We can’t stop them.  And they usually go against each other! Like love and hate we usually experience excitement and frustration.  I still haven’t figured out how to get the excitement to win!

In less than two weeks I will find out who the recipients are for the Sustainable Arts Foundation and I keep thinking how much that award would help!  I have realized that the agitation I feel when I’m not writing is now there because I need, beyond words and the ability to explain, to get out there!  To go to a Writing Conference and to take my dream trip to Paris.  There’s a story there that needs to be told I think.  It would ease a few other things financially as well but this is the first time I’ve put this into words.  It has been rattling around in my brain for quite some time now!

So cross your fingers for me, or say a prayer, or whatever it is that might help calm some of this inner turmoil… of course more will bubble to the surface.

Lastly, just this morning, I applied to a part time editors job, here in the city! Yes, it’s for sports and the only one I know inside and out is baseball but, you know what, I don’t think you need to know sports in and out to edit a page and manage writers.  It’s their job to know the sports, it would be my job to do layouts–what goes where…

This is what I mean about the turmoil… I put positive out there, I just don’t seem to be getting any back right now!

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