Answers…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

As you know, I saw the specialist on Wednesday morning.  The specialist who still will not acknowledge the fact that there were malignant cells in what he removed in March.  He went over everything, bypassed my one concern and then said he wanted to wait until February and do yet another of the biopsy procedures.

That’s when I said ‘stop’.  I wanted to discuss surgery as an option.  I have not, up until now, divulged the cancer I had but will now because it’s much easier to tell the story… cervical.  So I asked about a hysterectomy because I’m in my 40s.  Not having any more babies and explained that my anxiety is out of this world and I can’t keep going from procedure to consult to procedure to consult with no real end in site and no answers.

And then what?  When HE determines that everything is okay I spend every year wondering if there are going to be bad cells turning up again?

It’s not worth it.  My family doctor had asked me why they just wouldn’t do the hysterectomy based on those first biopsy results and I explained that the specialist merely told me “we weren’t there yet”.  Well, because of my anxiety, I win… finally!

So, my message to all of you is to keep on pushing when it comes to your health.  Who knows where else cells are hiding!  So on November 16th, that’s where I will be.

Remember my asking when I would have time to read those writing magazines I bought?  Well, here it is!  Except that I did manage to read through The Writer which was very good and left me feeling good about my self-publishing!

I’m sure that by the middle of November there will be new ones out for me to get and read.  It’s also NaNoWriMo so it’ll be interesting to see if I’ll be able to sit and write!

One thing is for certain, there will be a LONG list of things I won’t be able to do and my daughter will HAVE TO step up and do a lot of it!  Laundry, vacuuming, getting the garbage out, etc.  I have a really long list of things I need to do in a month as well.  I’m even hoping to be able to get back to work part-time after two weeks… but the boss is on vacation starting December 14th so I could, essentially, be back off for that time.  We’ll see… it’s unfortunate that I have no idea how I will feel.

I will, of course, be posting between now and then, as usual!  If you haven’t signed up for NaNo yet make that happen!  Take the challenge! Write 50,000 words in 30 days!  You can do it!

Advertisements

Happy Thanksgiving

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Work is done for the week and I’m finally free for a long weekend… yet I keep asking myself what it is I have to be thankful for.  I remind myself of family, friends, and my job (though challenging).  But I find it incredibly difficult to appreciate those things when there is so much turmoil in my head.

It’s now five days to my follow-up appointment with the specialist.  Five more days until I have more answers.  What will I face going forward?  That has to be the only question I can’t answer.

So what will I do for this long weekend?

Enjoy the time both with family and away.

And, hopefully, continue writing; continue adding on to the 5500 I have managed to write, most of which was written on Wednesday.

I would also love the opportunity to be able to sit and read some of the writing magazines I bought, what? Two weeks ago?  I’ve opened one of them.

Okay, so as I wrote this, I was watching the end of a Netflix movie and it just ended.  The credits are still rolling and, oh my!  HUGE disappointment in the ending!  It didn’t settle anything!  So the entire story was basically pointless!  No happy ending, just stupid and disappointing!

How can an author have an ending like that… yes, it was based on a book!  As a romance author it’s even more disappointing!  There was no closure. Boy meets girl, things go along slowly, there’s the average amount of conflict and then there is the point where they end having to part ways for some reason but then that’s it!  There’s no happily ever after.  There’s no knocking on the door with a ring or proposal.

Just a whole list of questions by me, the author!

Maybe I’ll just have to write my own happily ever after ending!

And for starters…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

why did my computer restart yesterday and I was logged out of EVERYTHING?  I’ve had to log back into sites that I haven’t logged into in, well, forever!

Okay, so now that that’s off my chest… it’s hot here!  It has reached 30 degrees the last several days.  I, personally, am loving it because I hate the cold and, frankly, you can’t have everything!

After everything I have gone through this year I think my wanting to be happy is the least I could ask for.  Of course I’m not there yet.  The specialist’s appointment is on October 11th.  Just over 2 weeks away now.

I’ve been trying to write.  I’m working on a “sequel” to a movie that I fell in love with many, many years ago.  Of course I’m changing character names and the year and some of the storyline but it’s one of those movies I found on DVD and still watch almost 30 years later.  It’s one of those movies where you always wonder what happened to them after that night because they’re so young and have their lives ahead of them.

It’s worth a shot anyway.  Maybe it will be one of the many that will remain always and forever on my unpublished shelf but I will have satisfied my curiosity!

The storm at work has not settled either.  I will bring news on that when I have it.

I really do feel like I’m in the eye of a tornado and I just keep swirling around and around sometimes even feeling sick.  Up until just now I always felt I was on that ship that was tossed about in the midst of a hurricane.  Maybe the tornado is a better comparison.  I don’t really know.

Every emotion is jumbled with the next.  Every time I want to move forward, I end up backing up.  Every time I want some peace and quiet the storm gets louder.

I wonder if and when it will ever end.  I have a wedding to go to next Saturday.  That will instill a little hope, I hope.

After that, it’s Oktoberfest here and that always makes me melancholy as well.  I think because I used to be out there.  I used to love going and I haven’t been in such a long, long time.  It’s like everything.  Every good thing seems to come to an end.

My day off…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

and I’m having difficulties writing.  The Sunday after my last procedure was much like this… I just wanted to do nothing!

For me, that’s difficult because when I want to write I can’t find the time.  When I have the time, my brain seems to need the break.

How do I find medium ground?  How do I write when my brain tells me it doesn’t want to?

And it’s not that I don’t have a good idea to write about… I’ve started to write it.  But I get a few sentences down here and a few down there and I just feel like everything has been a string of interruptions again.

My mind, at the moment, is not a help to me!  I do way too much thinking and there’s been a lot going on.  Between my pathology reports and waiting, desperately, for my specialist appointment on October 11, my daughter deciding to not go to school but accepting full-time at work, my own work issues and a multitude of other things that are a basket full of good and bad mixed I’m on overload… definitely!

At some point it would be interesting to write a memoir on all of this but I’m not sure I’d ever get to writing it!

I went to Chapters on Saturday and found 3 new writing magazines as well as a number of journals they have on the topic of writing… one is titled 500 Writing Prompts, there was another there with 300 and then there was one titled Complete The Story which was also awesome.  There was also a journal titled Why I Love You.  All of these are really cool because the first two have the writing prompts or story starters.  The latter asks questions about your relationship, if you’re in one.  On Saturday I bought the magazines and the 500 Writing Prompts.  Today I went back and bought the other two because I am a sucker for these things!

So I have managed to write at least something today!  I can say that I have succeeded!  The day is not over, however, and I’m tired already!

There’s a Lighthouse…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

In the harbour, shining faithfully, pouring its light out, across the water…

Those are the next words that Garth Brooks sings in his song When You Come Back to Me.

I have kept that lighthouse in my sights though, I must admit, it has disappeared from sight a few times.

And here I am, sitting at the trailer again, looking out the sliding door towards the lake; a lake that from the lookout is royal blue but from the beach is green.

I wanted the escape to wind down from my vacation before I go back to what could be unpleasantness at work.

As you know, I had my procedure the last time I posted and the results were in yesterday… I picked them up last evening.  There were no malignant cells in the samples he took (he took 2 this time!) which is excellent.  That means he got it all in March.

I’m going to remain cautiously optimistic until I see him in a month.

In the meantime, maybe I can try my best to get back to some of my writing.  I have had ideas, I just haven’t been able to write anything… is that any big surprise?

I just bought a copy of Writer’s Digest Writer’s Workbook and look forward to sitting and reading through parts of it.  It even has worksheets inside.

So while I walk around the park and take pictures and try to relax I hope my brain will be, once again, working on the story that I’ve been wanting to write.

Maybe I’ll go to the beach for the sunset after all… I’ll just dress warm!  And make sure I pack my notebook!

 

An unpleasant ride…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, all my friends and followers, it is finished, again.

All the anxiety build-up crashed around me yesterday after the procedure was over.  It hurt more than last time and last evening I felt depressed.  I was hoping so much that he would have a look and tell me that there was nothing there to biopsy but, instead, he took tissue.

I don’t know what that means.  I don’t know if he was erring on the side of caution or what.  Unfortunately he doesn’t say much at the time.  All he said at one point was that he was still looking, which I took as a good sign.  And he also said he didn’t see anything alarming, but then why do the biopsy anyway?  The comment about nothing alarming might also have been in answer to the question I asked during our brief chat beforehand.

So I get to spend two weeks waiting and watching for the Pathology report to come in.  Then it’s even longer to October 11.

After a reasonably decent sleep I feel relatively okay and the majority of the pain I was having yesterday has subsided.

I hope to sit down and continue to flesh out a story idea I had.  I have multiple tabs open on both my browsers… contests, etc. and I’d like to take a closer look.

Vacation is one day from the first week being over already.  I have difficulties believing that.

So much I want to do and too many distractions.

I also had a fabulous weekend at the trailer… take a look…

The first day the water had some white-caps and the second day everything was so calm it was almost like glass.  Of course I had to share some of my sunsets as well.

I didn’t get much writing done there though… no, I wasn’t impressed by that.  I did get some ideas fleshed out, which I now want to work on further, but that was it.  I actually wanted to start writing.

We don’t always get whatever it is we want… life is certainly a roller coaster and I don’t like roller coasters.  I like to know what’s coming at me all the time… not knowing what’s around the bend is a huge distraction for me and though we don’t have control over everything, I don’t like surprises either!

This year has been way too much for me to handle.  I must admit that it felt awesome being by the lake on the weekend and I didn’t want to leave.  I’d still be there if it wasn’t for duty calling!  It’s always something.

So now I will go and spend some time resting.  I have been busy doing some things this morning that were necessary.  Yesterday certainly took its toll and I have to respect the boundaries my body is setting and not overdo things which, as some of you know, I’m famous for!

 

Anxiety++

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I don’t even get to have the anxiety on the side!

I don’t think I have ever known anxiety like I have in 2017.  And it just keeps getting worse!  I am down to 37 hours before my procedure appointment and the anxiety has definitely made itself known starting with a mini attack yesterday afternoon!  Best case scenario is he takes a look and there’s nothing to biopsy.  Oh how I wish for that answer!

Anyway, as for work, well, it was a Twilight Zone week last week and I am now on vacation.  It ended on a good note on Friday and you know how bad it’s been.  The stress was greatly reduced this past week.

I’m hoping to get plenty of writing done in the next 2 weeks but I really need to eliminate this anxiety first!  It’s definitely taking its toll!

I did escape to the trailer this weekend, however.  It was Saturday to Sunday and I came back early for a bridal shower but it was awesome!  The weather was a bit cool but it was sunny!  AND… Saturday night was “Halloween” because the resort is closed by Halloween.  Had I known I would have taken my costume along and got right into it… oh well, I did go into town, got candy and some of the few decorations that were available.

There way more than 50 kids and that’s all I bought candy for so I put my empty bowl inside and went to the beach (for the second time) for the sunset.  It was beautiful!

So speaking of giving away things, this weekend, for the last long weekend of summer, I am giving away Confessions in the Mural on Kindle from September 1-4.  Here are the links…

Amazon.com:

Amazon.ca:

So make sure you get your copies before it runs out!

As I said, I hope to get some writing done!  I also plan on heading back to the trailer in a little under 2 weeks and I’m going to stay until the afternoon sometime!

When you come back to me…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Garth Brooks sings “There’s a ship out, on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea.  It’s been tossed about, lost and broken, wandering aimlessly… and God somehow you know that ship is me.”

That’s me… I’m the ship.  I’m the one at sea and the rudder is stuck with a hurricane heading straight at me.

Things have reached a serious point of stupidity.  Stupidity that, not only do I have no tolerance for, but I don’t have the time to fix it either.

It is truly amazing how much better I sleep on nights that I don’t have to get up and go to work.  Unfortunately I don’t do a very good job getting to sleep half the time but at least I manage 8 hours on those nights and I can tell it’s been a better sleep.

I have had an incredibly bad week and I’m weighing ALL my options.  I can no longer keep waiting for employers to get organized and figure out what they’re doing.  Stress is taking its toll on me.  It’s affecting my sleep, my back and my general well-being.  I’m finding I’m sliding into a depression after suffering much over the years and always managing to pull myself out.

Over the last week or so I haven’t even been able to write again and my journal entries are repetitive and short.  I’m no longer identifying my emotions or solutions or anything.

Even the teaching is starting to exhaust me… maybe it’s simply related to two 12 1/2 days a week or maybe it’s actually related to the job stress decreasing my sleep and making me grumpy!

I have been trying to use my oils to keep me in balance and keep my mood elevated.  I have increased my Vitamin D as well.  I have even been turning to chocolate!

I do hope that my next post brings something more positive.  Either I’m writing again, or something has caved in!  In just over two weeks is my next procedure and I really don’t want to be in this state going into that… the anxiety from that is enough!

I need to go sit and do some marking… focus on the career I do like!  Try to forget about the one that’s adding a dimension of misery to my life.

Therapeutic Writing

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As you all know I have been having an awful time at work.  I have personal stuff going on that you are aware of. My partner-in-crime is also having a tough time with family things right now so we are truly in the same boat.

I have continued to journal every day to get my frustrations out of my head, though they remain.  I haven’t worked much on my NaNoWriMo story and really do need to get back to that as, it too, was actually very therapeutic and I miss it.

On a happy note, I applied for a job on Saturday and I got a call yesterday to set up an interview.  It’s set up for Wednesday at 1:00.  I don’t want to jinx it but, on the job front, it’s the happiest thing ever!  There are questions I could have asked on the phone, like how many hours, but I figure, if nothing else, it would serve as practice.  If it works out, great, no complaints here.

I’ve journalled about that and it feels good, it feels right.  It would be cool.  I would learn new things and be able to teach them a thing or two about various disease processes, far more than they might know from anywhere else.

And so many people right now are playing the “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” and “better the devil you know”… well, the devil I know is starting to show signs of his tail and horns so I think, in this instance, the devil I don’t know can’t be any worse.

So that’s where things are at in this moment.  Of course I have concerns not only about my vacation but, more importantly, how this could impact my procedure at the end of the month.  I would love to be able to say I can’t start until September 5th but there are other boundaries to cross before I get to that point and I have to stop getting ahead of myself… I think we all tend to do that and for those of us who are writers, we often play the “what-if” game until our minds are numb.  It’s part of who we are as writers because that’s what we do every time we sit down and make up more of our stories.

We push that into our real lives because that’s how we operate.  And it’s not always a good thing.  It leads us to anxiety and builds up our expectations beyond where they should be.

It’s who we are.  So I shall move forward, like always, and cross bridges when I get to them and try, as hard as I can, to keep this particular line in mind rather than allowing it to run wild!

 

Depression has struck…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I have been trying hard to not let my situation get to me but it has.  As the list of what is making me unhappy at work grows so do my feelings of frustration and my stress levels increase.

I have been writing but my time is limited because of the kitten and his need for constant attention, just like a little kid.  That takes away my feeling of home being my refuge.

Today I wrote almost a thousand words yet I feel unfulfilled.  I feel like it was forced.  I edited a short item I wrote and entered them.  Again, it feels forced.

I managed to win Camp NaNoWriMo with 20,000 words but considering I had 13,000 or so of those words done before July 10th it took me over two weeks to finish… so unacceptable in my mind.

I have also been managing to get headaches daily, again.  I’m supposed to be walking which is easier said than done.  Unfortunately the weather is not cooperating for that nor is the location of my home.  Not really conducive to walking around here.  I would have to drive somewhere to walk which doesn’t entirely make sense but there it is!

I just can’t believe that my job has come to this.  I just can’t believe that he can be the way he is and how some patients can be the way they are.  Up until a few days ago I was asking myself if it was just me and it took some thinking to determine that it was two or three years ago when I first heard my great boss say he was getting tired of the C-R-A-P and I agreed, fully.  Demands were higher, people want everything yesterday, they want to argue with you.  They hate the system and the wait times.  The list goes on and on.  I thought the transition would make things better but it has not.  It has, however, brought to light those feelings of being tired of dealing with the C-R-A-P that was spoken of so often.  There’s paper everywhere, not enough time in a day and just no patience to deal with the patients.

I will carry on.  I always do.  Unhappy right now… yes, definitely.  Determined to make a change… just as definitely!