When you come back to me…

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Garth Brooks sings “There’s a ship out, on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea.  It’s been tossed about, lost and broken, wandering aimlessly… and God somehow you know that ship is me.”

That’s me… I’m the ship.  I’m the one at sea and the rudder is stuck with a hurricane heading straight at me.

Things have reached a serious point of stupidity.  Stupidity that, not only do I have no tolerance for, but I don’t have the time to fix it either.

It is truly amazing how much better I sleep on nights that I don’t have to get up and go to work.  Unfortunately I don’t do a very good job getting to sleep half the time but at least I manage 8 hours on those nights and I can tell it’s been a better sleep.

I have had an incredibly bad week and I’m weighing ALL my options.  I can no longer keep waiting for employers to get organized and figure out what they’re doing.  Stress is taking its toll on me.  It’s affecting my sleep, my back and my general well-being.  I’m finding I’m sliding into a depression after suffering much over the years and always managing to pull myself out.

Over the last week or so I haven’t even been able to write again and my journal entries are repetitive and short.  I’m no longer identifying my emotions or solutions or anything.

Even the teaching is starting to exhaust me… maybe it’s simply related to two 12 1/2 days a week or maybe it’s actually related to the job stress decreasing my sleep and making me grumpy!

I have been trying to use my oils to keep me in balance and keep my mood elevated.  I have increased my Vitamin D as well.  I have even been turning to chocolate!

I do hope that my next post brings something more positive.  Either I’m writing again, or something has caved in!  In just over two weeks is my next procedure and I really don’t want to be in this state going into that… the anxiety from that is enough!

I need to go sit and do some marking… focus on the career I do like!  Try to forget about the one that’s adding a dimension of misery to my life.

Therapeutic Writing

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As you all know I have been having an awful time at work.  I have personal stuff going on that you are aware of. My partner-in-crime is also having a tough time with family things right now so we are truly in the same boat.

I have continued to journal every day to get my frustrations out of my head, though they remain.  I haven’t worked much on my NaNoWriMo story and really do need to get back to that as, it too, was actually very therapeutic and I miss it.

On a happy note, I applied for a job on Saturday and I got a call yesterday to set up an interview.  It’s set up for Wednesday at 1:00.  I don’t want to jinx it but, on the job front, it’s the happiest thing ever!  There are questions I could have asked on the phone, like how many hours, but I figure, if nothing else, it would serve as practice.  If it works out, great, no complaints here.

I’ve journalled about that and it feels good, it feels right.  It would be cool.  I would learn new things and be able to teach them a thing or two about various disease processes, far more than they might know from anywhere else.

And so many people right now are playing the “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” and “better the devil you know”… well, the devil I know is starting to show signs of his tail and horns so I think, in this instance, the devil I don’t know can’t be any worse.

So that’s where things are at in this moment.  Of course I have concerns not only about my vacation but, more importantly, how this could impact my procedure at the end of the month.  I would love to be able to say I can’t start until September 5th but there are other boundaries to cross before I get to that point and I have to stop getting ahead of myself… I think we all tend to do that and for those of us who are writers, we often play the “what-if” game until our minds are numb.  It’s part of who we are as writers because that’s what we do every time we sit down and make up more of our stories.

We push that into our real lives because that’s how we operate.  And it’s not always a good thing.  It leads us to anxiety and builds up our expectations beyond where they should be.

It’s who we are.  So I shall move forward, like always, and cross bridges when I get to them and try, as hard as I can, to keep this particular line in mind rather than allowing it to run wild!

 

Depression has struck…

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I have been trying hard to not let my situation get to me but it has.  As the list of what is making me unhappy at work grows so do my feelings of frustration and my stress levels increase.

I have been writing but my time is limited because of the kitten and his need for constant attention, just like a little kid.  That takes away my feeling of home being my refuge.

Today I wrote almost a thousand words yet I feel unfulfilled.  I feel like it was forced.  I edited a short item I wrote and entered them.  Again, it feels forced.

I managed to win Camp NaNoWriMo with 20,000 words but considering I had 13,000 or so of those words done before July 10th it took me over two weeks to finish… so unacceptable in my mind.

I have also been managing to get headaches daily, again.  I’m supposed to be walking which is easier said than done.  Unfortunately the weather is not cooperating for that nor is the location of my home.  Not really conducive to walking around here.  I would have to drive somewhere to walk which doesn’t entirely make sense but there it is!

I just can’t believe that my job has come to this.  I just can’t believe that he can be the way he is and how some patients can be the way they are.  Up until a few days ago I was asking myself if it was just me and it took some thinking to determine that it was two or three years ago when I first heard my great boss say he was getting tired of the C-R-A-P and I agreed, fully.  Demands were higher, people want everything yesterday, they want to argue with you.  They hate the system and the wait times.  The list goes on and on.  I thought the transition would make things better but it has not.  It has, however, brought to light those feelings of being tired of dealing with the C-R-A-P that was spoken of so often.  There’s paper everywhere, not enough time in a day and just no patience to deal with the patients.

I will carry on.  I always do.  Unhappy right now… yes, definitely.  Determined to make a change… just as definitely!

 

The Roller Coaster Won’t Stop!

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I think I have met my quota on emotions…

Happy
Sad
Annoyed
Amused
Agitated
Angry
Downright P.O.’d…

and that’s just a single day!

Yes, I have been the first five this weekend, and maybe a bit angry, probably just mad vs. angry… but nothing like last week at work.

I don’t know what’s worse… working for someone who uses the wrong words or someone who doesn’t listen to his employees and I mean ask our opinion but not listen to our answers or shoots down what we have to say!

Then I spend a weekend where I am stuck catering to everyone else… and my writing time is what suffers… all the time.  This afternoon and last evening I was agitated again.  I find that I’ve been experiencing that more lately which is a good sign since it had been a while since I’ve experienced that.

Once again I wish I was writing more . The second week of my vacation I wrote almost 15,000 words.  This week I couldn’t even make it to 18,000 words… I couldn’t even add 3,000 more.

I went to Chapters today and got a copy of The Writer and Writer’s Digest.  The single article I managed to read in The Writer was titled “Defining a Writer or, You Know You’re not a Writer When…”  Joni B. Cole talks about people who say they’re not a real writer for this reason or that but more importantly knowing you’re not a Real Writer when… you don’t want to be a writer.  She means getting busy… days, weeks, etc. when you’re not writing and, essentially, you don’t miss it.  That pretty much explains my agitation but does little to buy me more time to write!

As I was writing a journal entry about my agitation a title on the front of Writer’s Digest caught my attention.  “Is Your Day Job Sapping Your Creative Energy?” Well doesn’t that TOTALLY cover everything off…? don’t ask, I had to go so I had to stop writing and didn’t have time to read it.  That is my intention though… maybe that will make a good follow-up post!

So here I am at 8:30 on a Sunday night having no desire to go to work tomorrow and all the desire in the world to spend the day writing!

Today is it…

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and I feel like I’m at the end of a trial and I’ve had my freedom and here comes the sentence!  And there’s seven weeks to go until the next one… unless I get a new job that doesn’t start in the fall and I end up taking my two weeks notice time as my vacation.

I applied for two jobs Friday and Saturday.  The first one fits me to a tee and it doesn’t start until October 16th.  Everything I would change jobs for!  The second one would be, possibly, a step up but mostly a step sideways.

It has been a creative two weeks when I had the time… with the kitten it has kind of added an entirely new dimension to things and taken me longer because I’ve had less time.  Now I wish I’d had more time.

I have written 12,000 words this week.  I’m quite proud of myself.  I found a story starter and got myself going.  It’s Camp NaNoWriMo this month and I love camp.  You set your own word limit.  I set myself 20,000… don’t think I’m going to have an issue getting there.  Just going to take longer to get there now that I’m back at work.

Well apparently I’m doomed to not getting anything done this morning before I have to go because of the kitten, who has a name now by they way… Tigger!

So long, for now… 😦

Happy Canada Day!

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I’m back!  I’m going to keep the post short.

It’s Camp NaNoWriMo starting today for the month of July.  You can set your own word count goal so go try it out.  I am surprised that I haven’t received any reminder emails about it though.

Also, in celebration of our country’s 150th birthday, all of my books, except Confessions in the Mural are free right now on Kindle.  The Canadian link for me is https://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Pamela+Clayfield

Confessions in the Mural is also now available for KindleYou can follow the same link to my page.  If you’re interested in a paper copy Lulu has those at http://www.lulu.com/worksbyplc

Have a fantastic day.  I know our neighbours to the south have 3 days to wait for their own country’s birthday but you can celebrate early if you’re looking for books!

I’m off to, hopefully, do some writing now!

 

A “not” vacation & a new kitten…

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I sit here, on this fourth day of my vacation, and sigh.  I feel it slipping away already, yet I have a week to go.  I have half a page of to-do items and that doesn’t include the marking I still have to do for my transcription class.

I was so excited to go to the trailer for the weekend just past.  Well, it wasn’t that exciting, unfortunately.  I have been feeling very anxious about leaving my house lately.  I thought it was linked to the stress I was feeling from work.  I think it’s just everything.  So Friday evening, after a big, long, drawn out teen drama, at around 8:30, I was so agitated I just wanted to pack up and come home.  I managed to quell that with a glass of wine and I settled in.  Saturday I wandered around town, something I never get to do otherwise and that was quite relaxing.  What wasn’t, and the other thing that got me down so much, was the beach was closed.  Beach access was taped off because we had so much rain that they were afraid of it washing out and stranding people down there.  Sure I could have gone to town to the public beach but I had a very specific destination in mind so I wanted to walk our beach.  Anyway, I ended up packing up around thunderstorms to come home and got here well ahead of my grandma’s memorial service in the chapel at the nursing home.

Monday morning my daughter texts me from the road… I found a kitten.  Inhale sharply.  Great, just what we need, a kitten.  Of course I have a mushy heart and I agreed to let her bring it home because the alternative would be death.  Can’t save everyone but we save those we can.  He’s about 8 weeks, extremely underweight (almost a skeleton), has an eye infection and possibly parasites.  He has to live in the basement until we get some answers.

On the whole, I’m grateful to be on vacation and out of the office.  I think those stress levels, at least, have lifted some.  Replaced by other stresses but not as severe as those from the job.

I’m managing to get a few things accomplished though I’ve also had a few rejections.  I tried to query to You & Me magazine and they promptly replied with a NO.  That was a bit depressing.  I had also applied for the Orcas Islands artist residency… well, no, no room at the inn.  At least they sent a comment that I can share in my books and on my website… a little like Sustainable Arts.

So I am moving onward… I entered my short story into a contest where the second prize is a week at a residency in France.  We’ll see what happens there.  Lastly, I finally have Confessions in the Mural published to Kindle and coming out July 1st in time for Canada Day!  You can find it at the following sites…

Amazon.ca: https://www.amazon.ca/Confessions-Mural-Mysteries-Pamela-Clayfield-ebook/dp/B073BLZLNG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498740649&sr=8-1&keywords=Pamela+Clayfield

And, of course, Amazon.com: https://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Mural-Mysteries-Pamela-Clayfield-ebook/dp/B073BLZLNG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498740605&sr=8-1&keywords=pamela+clayfield

I will also be running promotions for Canada’s 150th birthday by offering my other books free for Kindle as well.  Just go to Amazon, type in my name and find the book you’re looking for!

All-in-all, so far, I don’t feel like I’m on vacation.  I feel like I’ve just transferred my powers.  I also need to get out the other laptop and start applying for a few jobs before they disappear on me because I’ve been too busy.

Until later and I’ll keep you posted!

Life Goes On

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Do you remember that show?  Or the song?  Oh-bla-dee, Oh-bla-da life goes on…

I often think of writing a post and then I don’t know exactly what I want to say.  I clicked on WordPress this morning and I’m determined to write a post.  I’m sure there are at least a few of you wondering!

I had a complete meltdown on Thursday night.  My drives to the college this week were exceptionally long!!  I don’t know why there seems to be more traffic than ever before but I also don’t care… I want it to all go away!  Anyway, they decided to close a lane of the expressway so my drive home at 9:15, the one where all I wanted to do was take my 20 minute drive home and crawl into bed I was that tired, ended up being almost 40 minutes.  I was SOOOOOOOOOOO angry.  My anger was beyond words.  I am completely and totally fed up with construction around here!  I have been dealing with it and detouring around it for FIVE LONG YEARS and it still isn’t letting up!!  I shared a few words with my daughter and obviously the cat was picking up on my mood.  When I was going to do my stretches, he attacked my arm… claws, teeth, and then flew off the bed knowing he was going to get it!

I gave up chasing him through the house when he ducked behind the couch.  I carried my weary and, now battered, body back upstairs where I couldn’t find band-aids and I just said the hell with it!!  Who cares anymore and in a crumpled pile I ended up on the floor crying, no, probably weeping in frustration and anger.  My daughter came running and joined me on the floor where she just let me get it all out.  I hate my job (not teaching), I hate the region in which I reside and I hate my life.  She barely spoke.  She just listened.  I explained that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning to go to work; I don’t want to leave the house.  My home had become my refuge, my safe place, and I don’t even want to go to my parent’s house these days.

I cried until there were no tears left.  I felt better and slept better.  I felt more relaxed at work until one more thing happened to annoy me.

Yesterday I stole away and went to the office and faxed off more than half a dozen resumes.  Friday evening I applied to a job that I had never thought of before the ugly “C” word entered my life, even marginally.  If it hadn’t, I probably would never have thought of it.  Perhaps things do happen for a reason.  Out of everything I have thought of and all the job postings I have searched for, I think that’s the one I’d like to do most of all if I’m going to stick with nursing.

I’ve been trying to stay in touch with the writer in me.  I continue to journal almost every day.  I found 2 more contests I want to enter… one for a week in Scotland, one for a week in France… I don’t know which I want more!

I keep thinking about writing and I think there’s a story in there that’s almost ready to come out but I think it might end up being a week from now and the weeks that follow (vacation) where the words truly start to flow.

I was never a big fan of Forrest Gump but I think there’s truth in his line about life being like a box of chocolates.

As always, I will keep you posted on my job search and my writing… leave a comment about your writing!

Still Trying…

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This past week was really tough and really got me down.  In a nutshell, work is not going great.  The “new guy” is taking on all kinds of new patients which is upsetting our days.  I have a to-do list that will never end!  I feel like I’m babysitting, constantly!  If it’s not one thing, it’s another… I wish I’d never given him my intercom extension number!

So it’s been another roller coaster ride.  A patient being extremely grateful brought flowers for each of us on Thursday which was a wonderful and uplifting surprise!

GorgeousFlowers

Aren’t they beautiful?  One of the other Stargazers is opening right now.  I love those lilies… they are my favourite flower.

Otherwise, I haven’t managed to get up to much… well, maybe I have!  I have yet to open my binder of past goodies but all in good time.  I have continued to journal but I was also made aware of an online magazine that publishes personal essays on medical issues.  I have visited their site and I have printed the submission guidelines.  I have also written a piece on my journey so far and perhaps they will actually buy it.  We shall see.

In regards to my cervical cancer, I feel like I’m in suspended animation.  I shouldn’t count down too soon because that means the summer is pretty much over and that’s my favourite season! But on the other hand, I really want to know!  I poked around online for ribbons, etc. that support cervical cancer and there’s very few!  If I want to pay a fortune I can go on Amazon but it was rather quite depressing.  So… I decided that I’d make my own! I bought some white beads and teal (well, I think they ended up closer to green but didn’t look that way at the store) and made a bracelet.  The only thing missing is a ribbon but when I wear these bracelets all day I don’t like things that dangle!

Bracelet_CC It looks nearly teal!  Perhaps it is teal-enough!

I have also felt like a human slave this week which has been getting in the way of my doing things as well.  School is going well.  MOA2 could have been laid out a bit more clearly for me but Transcription is going very well.  Hopefully everyone settles into transcribing.  It is not an easy feat that’s for sure… and mostly it’s just getting used to it!

So that’s where I am at these days.  I had another look through my Writer’s Digest because it was the 101 Best Web Sites for Writers edition and had a look at some of the websites I had marked.  There is a DIY MFA website which I have subscribed to.  Of course you don’t actually get your MFA but it runs along the same principles, mainly writing, reading and community that gets those people on their writing road.  The website, if you’re interested is diymfa.com

Another is Beyond your Blog which I’m also now subscribed to.  I look forward to getting further into this site as well and seeing if I can pitch my blogs elsewhere!  The website is beyondyourblog.com

There are a couple of others that I will take a look at and let you know in my next blog.  Hopefully those running the above two won’t be too upset that I shared!  If I’m promoting their sites I would hope not!

Time to go off and write!

 

Getting it Together…

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Well the last couple of weeks I have found myself getting organized.  I put to use a book shelf that was supposed to be purposed elsewhere but I got tired of it standing backwards in my dining room so I turned it around.  My dining room table is now mostly cleaned off!  It looks awesome!

I have printed off a number of old partial manuscripts and put them into a binder so I can re-read and edit and, if possible, finish them… one at a time of course!  I have also written down some other new ideas and, as expected, continued to journal.

I have spent my weekend in a LOT of pain.  More pain than I’ve had in a long time.  It has taken my breath away at times.  That said, it’s been difficult to focus on anything for any length of time.

I’m also planning on getting away to the trailer for a weekend by myself.  I really need that time that’s for sure.  Still won’t be enough but it will be a good start.

I also applied to that Artist Residency for January.  I got that application finished and sent on Wednesday.  It felt good to do that!  It felt normal, like I’ve done it a hundred times before!  I’m also trying to figure out where to send a short story I wrote in the fall.  I have it sitting here and I have edited it and it’s waiting for a place to put it.  As I was editing, I was wondering about a sequel… a series of short stories… like a TV show because they are short rather than long.  If I string them together then I might as well just write it as a novel.

Now I just have to figure out where everything else is taking me.  Life has a way of needing sorting out once in a while, just like all the writing we’ve spent months working on.  Some things just take longer than other things.

Somewhere, in a notebook far, far away is the memoir I started close to 2 years ago I think.

I also want to release Confessions in the Mural to Kindle come July 1.  Figure it’s a good day to do that!  Released the novel January 1 so why not?

Lots of plans… now I just need the time to IMPLEMENT!