Life is Precious…


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We move through life taking much for granted.  Very rarely are we reminded of how precious life is as we take it for granted.

In 1994 I was woken by my brothers at 9:00 in the morning and told “grandpa died”.  I asked which one even though I only had one for that one last moment of hope.  He’d had a massive coronary and never even made it to the hospital.

On Monday I dragged myself out of bed like I do every morning and went off to work.  At 9:40 I got a text from my mom saying my aunt wasn’t doing well.  She declined so quickly my mom and uncle called an ambulance less than 30 minutes later.  I heard nothing until my dad took over the texting at 10:34 by letting me know that the ambulance had stopped not far from the house, maybe two minutes away to work on her and another ambulance showed up.  More time passed, a little more than a half hour, and he texted again that she had died.

Later on, talking to my mom, she figures that she actually probably passed away when the ambulance had to stop but they were doing chest compressions when they got her to the hospital.

I was in total shock!  She’d had a cold and had been to the doctor Friday.  He diagnosed her with influenza.  On Monday morning she started with severe shortness of breath.  We will never truly have any answers as the coroner felt comfortable saying that it was complications related to influenza.

I left work at lunch and took the afternoon off going over to my parents’ house to be with my family.  Nobody can wrap their head around what took her and that she’s actually gone.

In a moment, in a breath, our lives can be taken from us.  We take advantage of ourselves.  We have jobs that don’t make us happy and we don’t take the time to be with loved ones or do what it is that make us happiest.

Just the day before, Sunday, I spent the day at home and it was THE BEST day I’ve had in a long time.  It was cold outside but I snuggled under my blanket and watched movies.  I finished editing my health article and actually reviewed a website someone had sent me and found a health magazine to submit to.  I wrote the query letter according to the submission guidelines and sent the email.

I also continued to work on my book or whatever it’s going to turn out to be (don’t know how long it’s going to end up being) and it felt great!  What an awesome day it was.

All I can say is to do what you love and be happy.  In a moment in can be over.  Write, dance, sing or read, watch movies and go the beach.

I’m going to work on it!


My Single Wish


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I sit at work these days and I continue to ask myself what am I doing here?

And all that goes through my mind is my one, single wish (yes, redundant on purpose) is to be at home with a notebook and pen or on my laptop writing, something.

It could be one of the novels I have started; it could be a new novel.

It could be editing my health article about taking control of your health… your body.

It could also be the “whatever” I have started about hysterectomies based on my experience and what “they” don’t tell you but what to expect.

Of course, as per life rules (Murphy’s Law), I would need to be getting paid to do this and that is where I feel trapped!

I am trying so hard to write in my off-time but I’m always so tired that I struggle to come up with a coherent thing to say!

What I really need is to win the lottery!

Sound like a plan?

The Family-Love Edition…


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I soooo wanted to get a post up on Wednesday to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day but I was incredibly overwhelmed.  So a belated Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

Here, tomorrow, is Family Day.  A stat holiday–one more day I don’t have to spend in the office!  Except that the thorn in my side is actually away this week!  It will be a relief and allow us to get through paperwork that has been piling up.

On the flip side, I had a positive interview experience on Friday!  Unfortunately I couldn’t leave my current position, or at least not yet.  I’m looking at it from the perspective of what’s out there… seems most postings are looking for part-time.  With this I could take one of those and not have to worry about hours!  Even better, I would work partly from home AND she’s interested in my writing and creativity to, I believe, finish off the non-existent website which would be awesome too!  It was very exciting!

I did, however, do some editing!  I sat with the mauve binder I use for my partial projects and finished editing the first 15 pages of the third installment of my Mysteries of the Past series.  I even entered the edits and printed it.  Now I have to keep it going!  Fatigue has been incredibly tough this week for me which isn’t helping.

I also ordered a book that was recommended to me and I’d like to spend more time reading “The Asshole Survival Guide”.  It’s an assessment of what type you may be having issues with and then ways to not let the person get to you.  It’s mostly to protect you emotionally until you can get away.  If you need it, it’s easy to find on Amazon and other bookstores and it’s interesting so far.

I’m about to head off to buy dinner rolls and go for a family dinner… nothing big, just spending time like the weekend was made for!

Owning what I can…


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My life has been insane for over a year as most of you know.

As I try to move out of the fog of the last year I find myself constantly being pulled back in.  When I want to put the pieces back together there’s someone who keeps taking the pieces away from me.

Post-surgically I’m still experiencing pain, numbness, burning, tingling and swelling at the surgical site and I still find I’m exhausted at the end of a day.  I try to rest but it seems the more I say I’m tired the more everyone expects me to give! It’s definitely a different world!

Work is killing me and I’m not just talking fatigue.  I’m talking about if-I-don’t-get-out-of-that-place-soon-I-might-jump-off-a-bridge syndrome.  But I’m not even getting any interviews which is REALLY frustrating!  Am I doing something wrong?

Then there is my writing.  I want to but don’t seem to be able to.  I’m thinking I’m going to HAVE to make another to-do list of some kind and start pushing my brain into it… I keep thinking I should start by editing some of my past work but the fatigue has been so bad I have difficulties focusing, even in the middle of a Saturday.  Perhaps first thing in the morning?  I don’t usually feel too bad at that time.

Other than that I haven’t figured anything else out, yet.  I’m too tired now!

All Clear!


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We are three weeks into 2018 and the entire year has been a big ball of stressful challenges!  I wanted to avoid that.  I wanted the slate to be wiped clean! But I did have to go back to work and that’s where the bulk of my stress is coming from!

On the other hand I have managed to write an article on how to be in control of your health.  It just flowed out which, as you can imagine, was awesome!  The trouble seems to be trying to place what I write.

I am also looking for a new job.  I had an interview last Monday evening and then had to go for a shadow session to see what it is they do.  I thought I’d have to weigh pros and cons because they weren’t going to be able to give me enough hours but they never called me.  I have been trying to put a price tag on my sanity…

What would you do?

I also had my post-op follow-up appointment with the surgeon.  Everything is healing really well.  I had to do some blood work… it turns out that I ended up going through menopause in eight weeks or less… no wonder I have been having issues!  There were no malignant cells on the pathology report!

I think my biggest challenge is that I still tire so quickly but it’s difficult to discern how much of that is from the work stress and how much is coming from being nine weeks post-op and my schedule getting busier as I also started to teach again last Wednesday and will be teaching two classes this semester.

I feel like I have been wracking my brain for something to write; anything to write.  I seem to draw a blank every time I think about it so I’m trying to focus on other things.  I went to Chapters to get some writing magazines and there were none there!  I don’t know if they’re not going to carry them anymore or if it was the changeover and the new ones were about to be shelved.  I might have to subscribe again.

So if anyone knows someone who might be hiring and looking to take a chance on someone who can write just about anything she puts her mind to, let me know!

Happy New Year!


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Every time I even think about a blog post my mind goes blank.  I wish it would go blank where other things are concerned.

I am now 6 1/2 weeks post-op… corrected for 2 weeks of antibiotics I’m somewhere around the 5 week mark since that slows down the healing process.  I thought I would feel great by now and maybe I would feel better had I not had 2 infections.

What is bothering me the most though is returning to work tomorrow.  After everything that has happened with the @** over the last 6 weeks I don’t want to see him and I have no motivation to even be there.  Secondly, I don’t know if I will have the stamina to be there for 8 hours tomorrow.  Those are weighing so heavily on my mind.

I have applied for a number of jobs and have an interview on Wednesday morning.  For this interview I am information gathering for sure.  I’m hoping that there will be an abundance of postings suited for me and/or something I have already applied for works out.

As for 2017, well, I say good riddance!  It brought me so much grief that I’m still working through it all.  2018 is a clean slate for all of us.  I have been reading a book titled Fresh Start.  It talks about visualizing what it is you want.

I have been visualizing myself in a couple of roles because I want to keep my options open!  First, I visualize myself in a different office where my knowledge and abilities are appreciated and it’s a relaxed environment, much like I had.  Second, is visualizing myself working at home on writing.  All kinds of writing… new novel, articles, etc. And they pay the bills!

Most of us don’t like not knowing what’s coming at us and I am very much one of those people.  Sure some people wake up being happy for the day but I want to know what’s around that corner.  I need to know that there’s something else out there that will continue paying the bills for me.

I think I speak for most people when I say that all we want to be is happy in whatever it is we are doing.  Mark Twain said “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”  I had that before my boss retired.  It’s time to find that again!

Happy New Year to all and may 2018 bring us joy and wonder!

Going on Four Weeks


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Many days have passed and I will be four weeks post-op on Thursday.

However I have more pain and discomfort than I thought I would at this point and I tire very easily and with little effort.  The other day I wrapped four gifts and had to go sit down! This is making it incredibly difficult to prepare for Christmas.

I am also feeling very depressed because of those feelings and today I feel very harassed.  I feel like everyone is pressuring me suddenly to go back to work and go back full time starting next week!  Now, I can’t do! I know I have to cover for the boss who is on vacation but I can’t do 28 hours in a week.  I’m not supposed to be doing any time and getting people to understand that is like trying to get the kitten to sit and stay!  I’m not even supposed to drive and I haven’t been at all.  I have relied on others to give me a ride.  I understand the rationale behind that which is why I’m trying to hold off as long as possible.

In fact, I’m very likely going to be sending my regrets to my former boss with regards to dinner tomorrow night because by 4:30 in the afternoon I’m beat and even short spans of social interaction wear me out very quickly.  I guess what’s most frustrating is people’s lack of ability to understand.  I know not everyone can relate.

In other news…

  1. I was supposed to have an interview this morning that was cancelled because they needed someone immediately… another reason to feel depressed today after I had felt so hopeful yesterday.  I don’t know what else to do and am feeling pretty disheartened right now.
  2. This weekend–Friday, Saturday and Sunday–and next–Friday and Saturday–all of my Kindle books are FREE!
  3. Writer’s Block still plagues me.  I’d like to say something came of that idea I had but, unfortunately, no.  At least not right now.

I’d love to have the ability to re-evaluate but I just feel like I hit a wall every way I turn.  I feel like road blocks line my path.

I think I’ll go back and do what I do best… and that is to rest!

Two weeks…


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I can’t believe it has been two weeks since my surgery!

I have been wanting to write a post and have even had a few false starts… however, my concentration hasn’t returned yet so I end up giving up.

So here I am trying again.

Okay, so first, the surgery… it went as well as expected according to the surgeon.  However, as significant amount of endometriosis was discovered and I lost an ovary to this.  I am on the mend but much more slowly than I had anticipated.  I still have pain in my tummy and at the incision.  I still have a fair number of bruises, some are fading, some don’t seem like they’ll ever budge!  The pain causes more fatigue and I’m finding myself napping, or attempting to, in the afternoons.  Lastly, as I already mentioned, my concentration has been impaired.  I’m sure, in time, this will return to normal but I need to give it time.

So I have been doing puzzles–crosswords, word searches and fill-ins–and watching a ton of Christmas movies.  So much so that I have actually come up with an idea of my own and put pen to paper with it this morning.  The trouble with that is the kitten who keeps trying to either help or steal my pen!

I’m not sure which it is.  Between him and my lack of focus it’s going to be hard enough to try to get the ideas from brain to page.

There is much going on outside my recovery, most of which is having a negative impact on my recovery.  I won’t get into that right now but let’s just say that I am definitely back in the hunt for a new job.

I’m going to end it here before the focus cuts out and I start to ramble!  I hope it gets easier to focus and write sooner than later.

As always, I will keep you posted.

The Finish Line


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That’s the title for tomorrow!

As I go through my day today, the last with crazy cells in my body, I keep picturing tomorrow as the finish line.  That dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to patients for the last time before my day was done that it really is a finish line of sorts.  I have spent just shy of a year wondering, worrying, going from procedure to consult with, seemingly, no answers.  “Just one more procedure”.

Of course I lost my grandmother and my boss of 11 years in the first six months of that year and I can’t say whether that made a difference to this or not but here I am.

Tomorrow by this time, if everything goes on time and I respond the way I should, I should be settled in my room.  I will have a fresh 12″ incision in my lower abdomen but the there will be no further threat from those bad cells.

And then I will pause in order to recover.  I will rest, I will read, I will write and address Christmas cards.  I will have others do all the things that need doing… laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc… and I will heal and I will get stronger.  Then I will move onto the starting gate… the start of, well, I don’t know.

I have to try to negotiate that.  Stress, anxiety, worrying and not-great test results have become all I know.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  What do I want to do?  I want to get back to my writing.  I want to feel that pleasure of putting words on the page and planning story arcs and creating characters and letting them live in my mind and tell the story while I become the mode of telling that story.  Just writing about that doesn’t even bring me much pleasure right now.  There’s a twinge.

Perhaps this will be the time for starting that job search all over again.

Well, no matter what the New Year brings, I hope that it is positive and filled with magic and wonder… exactly what this year has not had!

I will post an update as soon as I feel up to it.

Apple Cider & Christmas Music


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I know, many of you think it’s too early for Christmas music and I usually try to keep it off until after Remembrance Day but this year everything is different!

I am six sleeps away from my surgery and I feel like I have a million things to do.  I also have a kitten who is ruining Christmas for me (and if anyone would like him he’s yours!) because he broke my tree!  I put it up last week to see what he would do with an empty tree before I put decorations on it.  It was up Friday, Saturday and Sunday before I came home for lunch Monday to find out that he had obviously attempted to lay on the bottom branches and broke them.  I cried. I cried my heart out!

It has been a tough week trying to figure out what to do.  I know that Christmas isn’t in the tree and decorations or the gifts under the tree but in the Nativity that I set up on Wednesday.  I have also never gone a single Christmas without a tree up.  After losing grandma this year, it will be incredibly difficult to not have my tree.  With surgery this year it will be very difficult too because I was looking forward to coming home from the hospital next week and having it there.  But I don’t know what my options are… I said I could put it in my room!  It’s a thought since I will be spending a fair bit of time there for a week or two!

Anyway, my bag is getting full.  I bought a new pair of slippers as well as a Christmas pillow to help support my incision while doing those wonderful deep breathing & coughing exercises at the hospital as well as sitting up, rolling over, probably getting into and out of the car.  And then it will make a great decoration.  It says “Dear Santa, I am good at being naughty… I think that should count”  I’m thinking the hospital staff will love it!

Aside from that, I’m not spending as much time on NaNo as I’d hoped.  Though I’m grateful for everything my mom has done for me to help me “nest” my time has been severely compromised the last several weeks too.  That is not helping my “blues” and then last evening it snowed so my emotions are all over the place.

So I have put a mix of Wild Orange, Ginger and Cinnamon into the diffuser which, combined, smells like Apple Cider and I’m listening to my Canadian Tenors Christmas CD (I know, who listens to CDs anymore? I do!).  Tonight is the symphony which should be very good because it was a year and a half ago when the Dancin’ Through the Decades was done.

Anyway, this will likely be the last post before my surgery since I’m managing bi-weekly posts, at best, these days.  I will try to get on next weekend, whenever I get home, and see if I can post an update.  It may be incredibly short!

So until then and wish me luck!